Thing's I'll Never Say
by Jounetsu-no-Hana
Summary: Rikku writes a letter to Gippal that she never really sends him.


**Well I wrote this because I was having writers block for Brontophobia. It didn't take me long to get it all out, it just took a lot of editing. I wrote it because I watched a really good video on youtube or Rikku and Gippal with Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne. And the song just fit them so perfectly, so I wrote a songfic! I hope you like it. Bye!**

Well, here we go. Straighten the skirt, push back the headband, every braid in place. Lips glossed? Check. Breath minty fresh? Check. Smell like vanilla? Check. I think I'm good.

**I'm tuggin' at my hair**

**I'm pullin' at my clothes**

**I'm tryin' to keep my cool**

**I know it shows**

Of course, I'm good until you walk _right past me_. I mean, come on, I _know_ you missed me. I'm a _very_ missable person. Wouldn't you rather have been hangin' by the oasis with me and Brother instead of in that stupid Crimson Squad? Well… you did _choose_ to go to the Crimson Squad. But you weren't in your right mind. You were just a silly teenage boy of… how old were you? I guess you were like fifteen or sixteen. I'm off topic now. Spira, you still have that weird strut of a walk that I loved about you. Are you still one of those badass guys? Or are you a working stiff now? Everyone is nowadays. Not like it was when we were all on Bikanel.

I wonder if you miss Home like I do? I mean, I guess it's better being on the main land than on that boring island, but do you get lonely ever, knowing that there's no place you can go where all your friends are? Well, all the workers here _are_ Al Bhed. Maybe you don't get lonely. Neither do I. I mean, I have to fly with _Brother_. And Buddy and Shinra are there. And so is Yunie. I guess we both have kinda cool lives now.

But I still miss you, you know? I mean, don't go thinking that I'll swoon at the sight of you, but you were my best friend. Was I yours? Or was I just Cid's annoying daughter to you?

When I saw Yuna staring after you with confusion, I got that she had the same thoughts that I did when _I_ first saw you. The whole "Who does that guy think he is, king of the world" thought. Hey, it comes easily with you. You are just naturally conceited. Be happy. It's a gift for someone to be so over confident and never once feel ashamed about it. I walked over to her. She needs some explaining.

"That's Gippal, leader of the Machine Faction," I said. I watched you like a hawk. Do you know that you've barely changed? Look at me. I'm so _hot_ now, and _you_ look the same. Except maybe your clothes are a little more… flamboyant. Hm… maybe I'm conceited too. Oh well. It all depends on whether you deserve it or not. Maybe you and I aren't so different, huh? Then, I heard your voice.

I haven't heard your voice in years. It felt like one of my heartstrings started to hum at the sound. Spira, I missed you. Of course, I'll never say that _to_ you. I intend to delete this right after I'm done writing it. You will never see it. But maybe in spirit you'll know that I was kind of sort of thinking about you every other month.

"Okay, let's do some interviews! Bring it!" you said. I would have laughed if I wasn't so preoccupied with making sure my hair was straight, my skirt was sultry but not slutty, and my scarf wasn't twisted in every which way. We finally got into the temple without me even knowing it. I had droned through all of the conversations. We had gone into the temple and we were talking to you and I was staring into your face like a lovesick girl. Well, I'm not, okay.

You haven't so much as glanced at me. You're all eyes for Yuna. You're so typical. How did I know you would just be staring at her? There is some allure to you with someone who is popular. When _I_ was the cool one in school, you were flirting with me like I was the last eligible girl in Spira. You're ridiculous, you know that? I bet you haven't thought of me _once_ in this time. I'll admit it, I thought of you more like… every other week. You were such an important person to me, and I think you may have just erased me from your memory. I was yesterday's news. Who ever you've been hanging out with is half a day ago. And this second, it's Yuna.

Talking. I'm watching your lips so intently. I hate it. I feel so _stupid_. You know we've kissed before. A few stolen ones from both ends. They never came to anything more. But I always liked your kisses. You were good at it, okay? Good thing you're not going to read this. It would be the end of _me_. You'd tease me until the end of time.

**I'm starin' at my feet**

**My cheeks are turnin' red**

**I'm searchin' for the words inside my head**

Spira, I wish you'd _look_ at me. I could feel your gaze flood into me again. I wish I could hug you like I did the day you left for the Crimson Squad. I didn't want you to leave. I wish you hadn't.

What am I talking about, nothing would have been different between us whether you'd left or not. Or maybe it would. Do you even recognize me? _Look at me_! Hello? Little blonde girl who may have been your childhood friend? Please… just glance around…

'**Cause I'm feeling nervous**

**Tryin' to be so perfect**

'**Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it**

**Yeah**

If only I could yell at you. Wave my hand in your face. I know you'd notice _that_. If you did recognize me, what would you do? Would you say, "Hey, what's up?" and then turn back you Yuna? Or would you pick me up in a hug and swing me around like you used to? Hm. If only I could get your attention. I bit my finger. I looked around my shoulders, making sure my hair swung around with my turns. You know, I still wear the same perfume that I did when you last saw me. So I know it must have wafted over to you. Nothing. I was ready to stamp my feet in frustration. I'm starting to think you're doing this on purpose. More conversation. More obsessing over Yuna. You probably never expected her to grow up into a hot chick, did you? That's why you're so… _perplexed_. This shouldn't be bugging me so much. And it's not. It's the sun. It's all this standing around doing nothing. It's messing with my head. I can't stand _still_ this long.

Eventually, I had to move. I started bouncing from one foot to the other. I tapped the toe of each shoe on the ground so it made a strange click on the stone of the bridge.

And, maybe that was the trick.

You glanced around, and your eyes landed on me. I caught my breath. For a moment we just stared at each other. Do you know how _awkward_ that was? Just staring at me. It was like we didn't even know each other. It was like we maybe had been friends in preschool and saw each other in a crowd, and then, for a spilt second, we both thought we might know each other. But then, we kept moving. Missing the chance we had.

I thought we were going to miss the chance. That you might be like the regular Gippal you are and maybe pretend you don't know me. I saw it in your face. I _knew_ you recognized me. No matter how much I grew up, I doubt you could mistake me for someone else in a heartbeat. Then, exactly what I wanted to happen did. Well, almost exactly. You took a few steps toward me with a sort of revelation in your look.

"Well, if it isn't Cid's Girl!" you said. Ugh. You really _are_ a jerk, aren't you? To think that _my_ best friend was such a… _jerk_! I pursed my lips. You obviously didn't seem to notice. "How you been?" you continued. I couldn't help it. There was a kind of fondness in your voice that made me feel like you actually _cared_ that we were seeing each other again for the first time in… a long time. I grinned brightly. But, I could _not_ let you get away with that.

"Hey, I have a name!" I said. I did the only thing I could think to do. I didn't know how to act cute or flirty around you, so I just acted like one of the guys like I used to. I pretended to punch you like I would've if you had teased me four years ago. You smirked at me. Typical you. Typical me. We may have changed over the years, but it felt like we were right back at Home, sitting on the sand and occasionally getting into fights that would always end with one of your jokes.

**If I could say what I wanna say**

**I'd say I wanna blow you away**

**Be with you every night**

**Am I squeezing you too tight?**

**If I could see what I wanna see**

**I'd wanna see you go down on one knee**

**Marry me today**

**Guess I'm wishing my life away**

Did you feel as happy as I did when we finally talked again? I felt… a warmness in my stomach that I haven't felt in a long time. It was always when I was with you. You made me feel comfortable. We were both at ease with each other. Though people joked about us being friends. After all, wasn't it that boys and girls couldn't be friends without having a crush on each other?

**With these things I'll never say**

"Brother doing okay?" you asked. I knew you'd ask about him. Small talk, right? When will I get to see you again? We can't actually talk with Yuna and Paine around. But of course you'd ask about my family. Mostly Brother. I _know_ you guys were friends, no matter how much you pretend that you hated each other.

"Same as ever," I said with a shrug. It wasn't like Brother has ever changed. He's always been the most… _odd_ person in Spira. I can _guarantee_ that. "Buddy's around too," I continued. Buddy was always your friend too, right? Maybe you'd be interested that he's flying around with me. Might give you a reason to come visit?

**It don't do me any good**

**It's just a waste of time**

**What use is it to you what's on my mind?**

I wonder how you can stand to be in this temple all day. You're just as jumpy as I am, wouldn't you rather be out seeing the world? I know you love machina, but all the time? Do you ever get a day off?

**If it ain't comin' out**

**We're not goin' anywhere**

**So why can't I just tell you that I care?**

All these questions I want to ask you. Maybe I could write you a letter? Copy all of the questions I have on here down. I could never show _this_ to you, with all the things I've written. If only I had the courage.

**What's wrong with my tongue?**

**These words keep slippin' away**

You know how I feel about you. _I_ know how I feel about you. I deny it, but I also can admit that it's true. I'm even _more _clumsy around you then normally. I stammer when you ask me something that makes me nervous. Sometimes you give me those sideways glances. It just… I missed it all _so much_.

**I stutter**

**I stumble**

**Like I've got nothing to say**

You laughed. I heard it through my haze. I almost closed my eyes to savor the sound. But I can't let myself. I'll tell you about all this someday.

'**Cause I'm feelin' nervous**

**Tryin' to be so perfect**

"Same as every is right," you said. And then it was over. You walked away. Is that all you have to say to me?

'**Cause I know you're worth it**

**You're worth it**

Yeah… I'll tell you someday.

**Yeah**

And then, in a flash, everything is over. You're walking away. I missed everything. I can't even remember why we were here. All I can remember is the short time we had together. You're walking away. All I can see is your back. You didn't _once_ turn around.

**If I could say what I wanna say**

**I'd say I wanna blow you away**

**Be with you every night**

**Am I squeezing you too tight?**

But that's the kind of person you are. You don't go back. You don't look back. You've never regretted a _thing_ you've ever done. Did you regret going to the Crimson Squad? Did you… _ever_ regret leaving me behind?

Right now, I'm regretting a lot of things. I wish I hadn't let you leave with only a few tears and a tight hug. I wish I had let you leave knowing how I felt about you. I regret that I didn't because it may have given you a reason to come back to me. Instead, our lives moved on. I regret never going to find you. I had two years traveling around Spira, and never once did I even think about going to see you. Would things be different now if we had seen each other earlier? Would we not have drifted apart so much? Would you not be treating me like I was a kid you used to babysit?

**If I could see what I wanna see**

**I'd wanna see you go down on one knee**

**Marry me today**

**Guess I'm wishin' my life away**

**With these things I'll never say**

We turned and started walking back towards the airship.

I'll come back.

I _will_ tell you how I feel.

Just… not today.

I'll tell you next week.

I promise.

**With these things I'll never say**


End file.
